


Cause I'm A Little Unsteady

by tabbytabbytabby



Series: Whumptober 2019 [6]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bad Things Happen Bingo, Depression, Eddie Diaz Takes Care Of Evan Buckley, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Hopeful Ending, Love Confessions, M/M, Sad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Season/Series 03, Whumptober 2019
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-13 20:40:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21003836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabbytabbytabby/pseuds/tabbytabbytabby
Summary: Left feeling shaken and lost after a nightmare, Buck goes to Eddie.





	Cause I'm A Little Unsteady

**Author's Note:**

> So this was a journey. I'm just here laughing at myself because when I started this it was supposed to be something smutty, and well... then angst and tears happened and that idea went out the window. Now here we are.
> 
> Title comes from [Unsteady](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzAvAEP00vs) by X Ambassadors, which I was listening a lot while writing this.
> 
> For Day 12 of Whumptober: Broken Voice. And the insomnia slot of Bad Things Happen Bingo

The rain pours down on him as he runs up the sidewalk towards the house. Buck stops outside, his hands shaking at his sides. It's not from the cold. At least not completely. 

He's been on edge all night. Any attempt to sleep causing him to jolt awake in fear. He gave up an hour ago, and took almost half that to convince himself it was a good idea to come. 

Even now as he's staring up at the familiar door he's not sure. He knows Eddie's alone inside, and from time light on in the living room still awake. 

Still, Buck hesitates with his hand raised at the door. He's not even sure why he's here. Only that he doesn't want to be alone, and he needs to see Eddie. 

His name has been a steady thought in his mind since he jolted awake. Now here he is, soaking wet on his porch. 

He raises a hand and knocks, shifting nervously as he waits. The door opens a moment later and Eddie looks out at him. 

"Buck?"

He's wearing nothing but a pair of basketball shorts, and his hair is rumpled and soft. All of him looks soft.

Buck's not thinking as he steps into the house, barely remembering to close the door behind him. Or as he crowds into Eddie's space and puts his hand behind his neck and pulls him closer. Closer. Closer. Until his lips meet Eddie's. It's rough and unsteady and Eddie is so still. 

"Eddie." The word leaves his mouth like a plea. As broken as he's been feeling. "Please."

Eddie searches his face, his hand on his cheek, causing him to shiver. 

He knows it's crazy being here. Eddie's his best friend. But Buck is drifting. He's lost. He needs something to anchor him. And that's Eddie. He keeps him grounded in a way that most people have never been able to.

He moves, kissing him again, a little more desperately this time. 

"I need you," Buck whispers against his lips. He knows it's not fair. None of this is. "Please Eddie. I just need to feel something."

"So what?" Eddie says. "You want to use me for sex? Can't you just pick someone up at the bar for that?"

Buck's face crumples at the anger in Eddie's voice. He sinks to his knees, distantly aware of the puddle he's making on the floor. 

"I'm sorry," Buck says, his voice choked with sobs. "I'm sorry. I didn't… I don't want just anyone. And I didn't…"

Eddie sighs and kneels next to him on the floor. "What Buck?"

"I didn't come here just to try and get you in bed," Buck tells him. "I wouldn't use you like that. You mean too much to me."

"Then why?"

"I can't sleep. I haven't been able to for weeks. And when I do I've been having nightmares," Buck admits. "And this one really got to me. And I just kept thinking about you, and how I'd feel better if I saw you. And then you opened the door and looked so damn soft and I just wanted to kiss you. I have for a while. That's not anything new. And it's not just sex, Eddie. It never could be with you."

The words come spilling out, and Buck can't stop them. He doesn't want to. He needs Eddie to understand. 

"I'm a fucking mess, but I'm a mess that loves you. Please don't hate me for that."

"Buck." Eddie's hand settles on his shoulder, his thumb bushing across the skin of his neck. "Evan, I could never hate you. Especially not for that."

Buck meets his gaze, only finding sincerity there. "I didn't ruin things?"

"Of course not." Eddie shakes his head, offering him a small smile. "Now come on. We need to get you out of those clothes."

Buck's eyes widen as Eddie helps him to his feet. "What?"

"You're soaked to the bone, Buck. If you don't change, you're going to catch a cold."

"Oh," Buck mumbles, looking down at his still wet clothing. Now that it's been pointed out, he's noticing how uncomfortably it's sticking to him. "I don't have anything else to wear. Maybe I should just go."

"Nonsense, I’m not letting go back out in this" Eddie says. He takes his hand and leads him down the hall to the bathroom. He moves to the shower, turning it on. "You should take a hot shower. It'll help you get warmed up."

An image flashes through his mind of Eddie in the shower with him, his strong hands rubbing soap along his body. He swallows thickly and looks away. 

"Buck?"

"Yeah that sounds good," Buck says, hoping his voice doesn't betray what he's feeling.

Eddie stares at him for a moment before nodding. “You get in, and I’ll bring some clothes and a towel back.”

Buck waits until Eddie's gone before removing his wet clothes. Unsure what to do with them, he leaves them in a pile on the floor for now. He steps into the shower, sighing as the warm water hits his skin. 

It sinks into him, relaxing some of the tension in his muscles. He leans his head against the wall and takes a few deep breaths. Now that he's alone his thoughts are trying to spin through his head again. 

He feels sick thinking of just how much he screwed up with Eddie. God he'd kissed him. He'd kissed him and told him he loved him and made an absolute ass of himself. 

Eddie said he hadn't ruined things but that doesn't mean anything. He could just be softening the bow before he rejects him. And what then?

Buck sinks to the floor and tucks his head between his knees as the water continues to spill around him.

"Buck?" 

The door opens and Eddie steps inside. Buck can't bring himself to answer, afraid of what his voice might sound like. 

"Buck?" Eddie's voice is closer now, just outside the curtain. Buck can see his fingers hesitating as he grips it, and lets out a breath. "Buck, are you okay?"

He wants to say yes. He wants to assure Eddie that he's fine and he doesn't have to worry about him. But the words won't come. 

"Eddie."

It's just his name, spoken in a broken whisper, like a plea. He's not sure what he's asking.

There's silence on the other side of the curtain for a moment, before the rustling of clothes reaches his ears. A moment later, the curtain opens to reveal Eddie, standing there in nothing but his boxer briefs. Any other time the sight would have sent his heart racing, but not now. 

Buck doesn't move as Eddie steps into the shower and sits down next to him. "What are you doing?"

"I'm honestly not sure," Eddie admits. "I just know I couldn't leave you here like this. So…"

Eddie wraps an arm around his shoulders and pulls him against his chest. Buck sinks into his arms, feeling himself relax. “I’m sorry.”

“I wish you’d quit apologizing,” Eddie sighs.

“But I am!” Buck says, twisting his head to look at him. “I came here and just… god I just kissed you and tried to…Fuck Eddie I am so…”

“Say sorry one more time,” Eddie says, tone holding a note of warning.

Buck swallows and looks away. The need to apologize is there, the words on the tip of his tongue, but he holds them back. He can’t even remember the last time he apologized as much as he has in the last half hour.

“I…” Buck stops, taking a deep breath. “Eddie I don’t know what to say. If I ruined things between us…”

“You didn’t ruin anything,” Eddie says, voice soft. He takes Buck’s chin in his hands and holds his gaze. “You didn’t.”

Buck gives a bitter laugh, “I don’t see how that’s true. I kissed you and told you I loved you and you…”

“What?”

“We’re best friends, Eddie,” Buck says.

“And?” Eddie says.

“And you’re not supposed to fall in love with your best friend!” Buck says. He tries to move out of Eddie’s arms, but Eddie holds him tighter.

“Listen to me, Evan.” Buck stills at Eddie’s use of his name. “I love you too.”

“Eddie…”

“I mean it,” Eddie says. “I love you so damn much, Ev. The only reason I didn’t tell you before was because well… I didn’t want you to think I didn’t mean it. And don’t tell me you wouldn’t. I can see the disbelief in your eyes right now. But I am telling you the truth and I need you to hear me. I love you. No matter what you are feeling right now, you are loved and cared for and so damn important. Not just to me, but to Christopher too. To so many people.”

Buck nods. Tears are spilling down his cheeks as he tucks his face against Eddie’s neck. He’s not sure how long he sits there, crying in Eddie’s arms. He can feel the water going cold around them, but he doesn’t move. He just wants to stay in the warmth and safety of Eddie’s arms a little longer.

“We should get out of here,” Eddie says.

“I don’t want to move,” Buck tells him.

Eddie chuckles and runs a hand through his hair. “We can cuddle someplace warmer. If we stay under this cold water any longer it’s going to defeat the purpose of you even getting in here.”

Buck sighs and pulls back, “Fine.”

He lets Eddie help him to his feet, and stands back as Eddie moves to turn off the water. He becomes suddenly aware of the fact that he’s naked. He’s naked and in the shower with a soaking wet Eddie. The thought only affects him a little bit. Mostly he’s just embarrassed. 

“Can you hand me a towel?” Buck asks him. Eddie grabs one, but rather than handing it to him he starts toweling off Buck’s hair. “You do know I can dry myself off, right?” Buck questions.

Eddie shrugs, “Maybe I like taking care of you.”

Warmth spreads through Buck’s chest. He smiles shyly and takes the towel from Eddie’s hand. “I don’t mind that. But it is a little embarrassing to be standing here naked.”

Eddie’s eyes drift lower before lifting to meet his. He leans in and kisses him softly. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about.”

Eddie steps out of the shower, surprising Buck when he just drops his boxers right there. Buck gasps at the sight of Eddie’s naked ass before he diverts his eyes. Eddie is smirking. 

“Just get dressed,” Buck says.

“I would but I didn’t bring a change of clothes,” Eddie says. He wraps a towel around his waist and turns to Buck. “Come to my room when you’re dressed.” 

Buck is left standing there, towel hanging loosely in his hand, as he stares after Eddie. He looks around at the mess they made, from the wet clothes, to Eddie’s dry one, and the water on the floor. Shaking his head, he dresses quickly into the shorts and t-shirt Eddie brought him, and then does his best to clean up some of the water with his towel. The rest will have to wait.

He spends a moment just standing outside Eddie’s door. He knows he could turn away and just go to the guest room. He’s spent more than enough nights there. But Eddie had asked him to come here. It’s not like before when he’d shown up soaking wet on his doorstep unannounced. Though he feels just as unsure now.

He knocks quietly and pushes the door open when Eddie tells him to come in. He’s in bed, his head resting on two of his pillows and blankets pooled around his waist. He smiles at Buck when he enters. “I wasn’t sure if you were going to come in.”

“I wasn’t sure either,” Buck admits. He fidgets with the hem of his shirt as he stands next to the bed, looking down at Eddie.

Eddie pulls back the blankets and gestures for Buck to get in. When Buck still hesitates, he sits up a bit. “Buck, it’s just to sleep. I just don’t think you should be alone right now, and honestly I don’t think I’d get much sleep without you here either.”

Buck crawls into bed, and Eddie pulls up the covers over him. He rolls onto his side and looks at Eddie, who’s watching him. He brings a hand up to Buck’s face and trails his fingers across his cheek. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” Buck admits. “I guess I just needed to cry it out.”

“We all do sometimes,” Eddie says.

Buck raises an eyebrow, “You cry?”

“Everyone cries, Buck,” Eddie says. When Buck looks skeptical, he sighs. “Okay maybe not _ everyone _, but most people. It can be a healthy outlet. A way to let go of some of the stress and fear. And yes, I get afraid sometimes. I’m a parent. I’m always worried about Christopher, and wondering if I’m the father he needs me to be.”

“You’re a great dad,” Buck tells him. “That kid loves you, and is lucky to have you.”

“I appreciate that,” Eddie says, smiling softly down at him. “So can’t you see we all have doubts sometimes? We see ourselves different than other people might. We can’t see how strong we are and need to be reminded of that, and that’s okay.”

Buck turns his head and kisses Eddie’s palm, his eyes never leaving Eddie’s. “Thank you.”

“For what?” 

“For being here.”

Eddie opens his arms and Buck doesn’t hesitate before crawling into them, taking comfort in the warmth and security they provide.

“I’ll always be here,” Eddie tells him, kissing the top of his head. “I have your back, remember?”

“I’ll always have yours,” Buck smiles and snuggles closer. It’s not an instant fix, and he knows that, but sometimes all you need to know is that somewhere is there. That if you reach out, someone is going to be there with their hand out to help you. He knows he has that with Eddie.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos/Comments make my day ♥  
[My tumblr](http://tabbytabbytabby.tumblr.com/)


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